


we keep behind closed doors

by willneversink



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Closeted, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, babygate, bullshit, kinda cliche but whatevs, lots of pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 20:06:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5388545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willneversink/pseuds/willneversink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're always this wolf protecting everyone around you but when it comes to yourself—" he trails, To me, to us, he swallows the words. "You turn to this little puppy who hides behind the closet."</p>
            </blockquote>





	we keep behind closed doors

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the being cliche! I love dramas. Enjoy reading, I guess?
> 
> ps. don't expect anything ;)

"Harry—"

"What, Louis? What's the reason this time? What bullshit are you going to feed me this time? What the fuck is it?!" he yells, veins popping on his neck.

Louis stares at him, eyes tired and shoulders slouched. Harry's eyes are burning as he glares at Louis, gaze like knives aiming at Louis with his shoulder squared and flaring nose. His eyes are wide and red. He parts his lips to breathe, already choking. He's  _fucking_ shaking.

Louis tries to open his mouth just to close it again, forgetting the words that has been drowned in Harry's tears. Harry didn't move when his tears starts to slide down his cheeks. He just waits, and waits, and  _wait_ s for Louis to talk— _to explain._ But neither of them moved a single nerve.

Louis is the one who breaks the eye contact and hurt flashes across Harry's face. "I'm sorry, H—"

"You're not!" he bellows, ugly sobs escaping his trembling lips. "You. Are.  _Fuckin_ g... not."

Louis shuts his eyes tightly, trying to lessen the sting behind his eyes. His face starts to heat when his chest heaves. Harry is sobbing, whimpering...  _breakin_ g. And Louis can't handle to see that, it hurts to see it with his own eyes and his ears are bleeding as he listens to Harry's cry gets quieter and quieter.

"I want to be done, Louis. I want it  _so_  bad," he weeps, scrubbing his eyes and wiping his tears. "So bad, Louis."

Panic shoots straight to Louis' bones and he freezes. He stills in his spot, holding his breath. His eyes are wide as he stares at the wooden floor beneath their feet. He knew that the time would come when Harry would be tired of him because of all the shits they're facing. He knew Harry wouldn't stick with him when it become all too much to the point that it's not healthy anymore.

He knew it.

He prepared himself but right now he's frozen in his feet, listening to the fast beat of his heart. It's beating so fast but all he can hear is his own shaky breath and Harry's broken whimpers.

"We always do this, Louis.  _Always._ I always ask you about everything but you always shut me out. I always wait for you to fucking explain to me why the hell would you agree to this new..." he stutters, finding his words, "... bullshit. I always wait for you to explain so I can understand why do you always choose to hurt _me_."

Harry hates it. He hates the fact that he's crying and his heart is shattering inside him again. Louis is standing there with his head down and not even bothering to say a single damn word to make everything feel okay. He needs his comfort... so bad.

He sucks in a sharp breath, feeling his lungs expand. He wipes his tears, licks his lips and runs his shaking fingers through his hair. Louis finally looks up at him, eyes filled with tears that are threatening to spill. Harry's lungs closes again as he takes in the sight. 

And then Louis opened his mouth.

"Do you believe them?" he whispers, voice broken.

Harry's throat closes.  _What?_

"Do you believe that I got her..." he swallows, trying so hard to keep his eyes stay with Harry. "Pregnant?"

"Should I, Louis?" he taunts, completely offended but trying to hide it. "Should I believe them? Should I believe you're stupid enough to spill your come inside her—"

"Stop!"

Harry presses his lips together, clenching his hands. "Should I?!"

"You know I didn't!" Louis shouts back, "I fucking didn't, Harry!"

"Well that's because you don't tell me anything! You didn't tell me that you're going through this—planning it for the next few months yet I'm totally clueless! Do you even have the slightest idea how I feel? I feel betrayed! I feel like I'm not enough for you to trust me!"

"I don't want you t—"

"Whatever happens, I'm always involved because I'm with you, Louis! I'm your fucking _boyfriend!_ "

Louis didn't notice that they've been close enough that Harry's breath is hitting his face. He looks up at Harry just to see him still glaring but with tired eyes.

"You're always this wolf protecting everyone around you but when it comes to yourself—" he trails,  _T_ _o m_ e,  _to_   _us_ , he swallows the words. "You turn to this little puppy who hides behind the closet."

With that, Louis tears rushes down his face. His knees buckles but he keeps his posture steady. He wants to tell Harry how much he doesn't want to do this, he wants to tell him how miserable he feels right now. He wants to tell him how much he loves Harry but he won't believe him because he's too blinded by the pain Louis caused him.   
  
He wants to tell him that the first thing that came into his mind when he stepped a foot inside that room was Harry. He wants to tell him how he was squirming in his seat and picking at his jeans when they were telling him that people must believe he's going to be a dad, a father of the baby who doesn't even exist. He asked her why she agreed to drag her in to this mess, she didn't answer.

War was happening inside his head, picturing this very same moment that he will break down in front of Harry when he couldn't take it anymore. He saw this look in Harry's face in his mind when he said yes with his mouth dry and throat closed.

He's so fucking stupid.

"You're still afraid what people will think about you," Harry says, calm but voice shaking. It's not even a question. "You want us to be free? You want to hold me in the public?" He inhales deeply, "Then why the hell freak out when they call you gay? It is not an insult, Louis. That is you and you should accept that before you told me you love me."

He bites his lower lip and raises his hand to touch Harry's arm, but the young man steps back. Louis looks at him with frantic eyes, like he got burned.

"You love me?" Harry repeats.. asks, breathless.

"I do," he gulps.

"Then act like you do."

That's the last thing he heard from him until he dashes out of the room, slamming the door shut too hard that the frames nearby rattle. Louis rubs a hand over his face as he exhales a broken hiccup. He walks towards the bed with his jelly knees and slumps on it. He digs his elbows in his thighs as he tugs his hair in frustration.

"You're so fucked  _up_ , Tomlinson."

-

Harry jiggles his right leg as he sits on the couch, waiting anxiously for the other boys to come in the room. He fishes out his phone to distract himself, scrolling through his Instagram feed and after a moment, the boys emerges in the room. His back straights up and his shoulder tenses when he sees them settle on the chairs at the corner of his eyes. His thumb starts to shake and he bites his lower lip to compose himself.

The only noise that can be heard inside the room is Niall's voice and Liam's laugh as well as the team's conversation. But Louis stays silent and Harry can't move his head around to look at him. It became a habit to check on each other when they walk in the room and right now, Harry wants to do that but his body won't let him.

One of the team starts to talk and Harry listens but keeps his thumb scrolling and tapping his screen. He's listening but all of the sudden, it became dead silent and Harry can feel pairs of eyes on him and he dares to look up, parting his lips.

"Harry, we're having a meeting. Can you put your phone down, please?"

"I was listening, don't worry," he answers, locking and sliding his phone back into his pocket.

"Oh, were you?" she taunts, one side of the lip quirking up. "What were we talking about, then?"

"The next single."

"And?"

"You chose  _Drag Me Down_ ," he answers, stretching his legs under the table and folds it again. "I don't get it why we're here. We don't have the say in these, do we?"

Her eyes twitches as she narrows her eyes at him but Harry keeps his face neutral. He's so tired of all this pretending. He couldn't be the one who always smiled at the things they were told to do. He's just tired to pretend that everything is fine.

"Are we quite done?" he asks instead.

"What's with the rush?"

"Nothing." He falls back on his chair, crossing his arms in front of him. He gives her a bored expression as she continues to lecture them about the promotions and rehearsals.

They're having the rehearsal for the next two days and they're talking about what shows they have to attend, interviews to talk with and promos that have to happen. He picks at his nails just listening to them ramble.

"So to make a noise about the new single, I suggest, fuel the fire."

Silence. His hands stills as he holds his breath and wait for her to continue.

"At the  _Good Morning America,_ you, Louis, have to confirm the baby so it'll create more attention to the band. We already set two people to do the interview and all you have to do is to confirm it."

Harry freezes in his chair. He gapes at her as his hands shakes under the desk. He waits for Louis to argue and after a few minutes nothing was audible, but the dead silence. He sucks in a deep breath, pinching his thigh till it hurts. Then he stands up, chair clanking. He almost falls on his knees when he stands up. His knees feels like boneless.

He looks down at the carpet underneath his boots, swallowing the lump forming in his throat. "I'm done for today. Thanks." Without any further, he turns around and strides towards the door. Eyes catching Louis' beanie, but his mind is floating enough to ignore him.

They called after him but he ran away. After he shuts the door behind him he can hear Louis' high pitched scream. His shivers as he listens to the shrills and aggressiveness of Louis' yell. It's like there is a war happening behind him and when he heard Louis' voice boomed that the door vibrated, he walked away.

_"Why the fuck would you make me do this?!"_

-

It's time to sleep and Harry's already in bed when Louis enters his room. He actually assumed that Harry locked the door because he's mad at him, but he didn't.

The lights are off but a lampshade at the corner makes everything faint. He sees Harry laying on his side, facing away from the door. The duvet is covering his body up to his shoulder. His long curly hair is sprawled across the pillow under his head. Louis wants to crawl next to him, and hold him and run his fingers through his hair. 

So he did.

But just when his knees digs into the mattress, Harry's body moves to turn around. Louis stills in his spot as he watches Harry's eyes barely flies open. His eyes are puffy enough to make his pupils hide. He looks up at Louis for a second before he closes his eyes again.

"What are you doing here?" he asks lowly, voice rough from sleep—or maybe crying.

"Um.."

Harry sighs, throwing the duvet off him. Louis completely sinks on the bed and Harry sits up, running his fingers through his tangled curls. He yawns, rubbing his eyelid as he slips his feet in the slippers under the bed.

"You sleep," he tells him, standing up and walking sleepily towards the door.

"Wait—What? Where are you going?"

His voice is getting smaller and smaller just like his chest getting tighter and tighter just by watching Harry walking away from him.

"Sleep," he answers with neutral voice and expression, opening and closing the door, leaving Louis sleep in complete silence and empty bed.

-

He wakes up without someone next to him, no one to cuddle with in the cold morning. He sighs deeply as he pushes himself out of the bed to get a shower.

He enters the room with tables covered with blue polka dots, the smell of food making his stomach grumble. He's about to step forward when Liam grabs his arm, pulling him down to sit next to him.

"Morning, mate."

"Morning," he answers back, flicking his fringe to the side. Liam offers him his sandwich and he gladly takes it, biting and chewing it slowly.

"Did you have enough sleep? You look tired."

"Um," he swallows, roaming the room with his eyes, "I don't... uh, yeah."

Then Niall comes in with his bright smile and loud voice, greeting everyone a very good morning. getting smiles and laughs in return. He spotted Liam and Louis and he quickly joined them, that was when Louis noticed he was dragging Harry with him.

Louis sits up straight in his chair and drops the sandwich back on Liam's plate as the two sit opposite to them. He doesn't know if it's a good thing that Niall sat in front of him.

"Why are you eating his sandwich?" Niall asks, truthfully curious. And then he smiles, "Let me get you your breakfast!  _God,_ I'm so hungry."

He stands up and Harry does too, looking anywhere but Louis and it quite tears him down. Liam nudges his shin with his foot but he didn't move his eyes away from Harry's swollen eyes and red nose.

He cried all night and Louis knows it too  _damn_ well.

"Let me— I'll— breakfast, yeah?" Harry smiles timidly, gently pushing Niall to keep moving forward until they're at the front.

"You okay, Louis?" Liam asks.

"Yeah. Don't mind me."

"Okay," Liam shrugs, continuing to eat his food. Louis puts his hands on the table, clasping his fingers around each other's to stop himself from fiddling.

Not after a moment, Niall comes back with two plates, one plate in each hand and pushes the other one to Louis. Niall beams at Louis as he takes in his wide eyes. Louis quickly composes himself, clearing his throat as he blinks.

"How come do you know?"

"Oh, nah. I didn't choose those," Niall grins, elbowing Harry. And when Niall lets out a muffled groan, Louis knows he probably kicked Niall under the table.

Louis eyes the plate. Pancake, two hot-dogs, seven slices of apple . Harry makes their breakfast every time they're home alone when they're on break. Harry knows Louis won't eat too healthy breakfast but he still makes his way to put at least small pieces of fruits in his plate.

"Harry did," Niall finishes.

When Louis looks up, Niall is cursing under his breath and chewing his salad in his mouth loudly. He moves his eyes towards Harry who has his head down, trying to hide the blush creeping on his cheeks as he eats his cereal.

"What with the cereal, by the way?" Liam suddenly asks Harry, bringing Louis back to himself. Louis picks up his utensils and starts to eat his food, food that Harry  _quite_ prepared.

"I'm not in the mood for anything," Harry answers, scrolling through his phone. "Too tired... too lazy." 

He keeps his gaze at the pancake in front of him, swallowing the sweet taste of syrup down his throat to keep him awake. Then Liam elbows his side, catching his attention.

"You're going out with me tonight, right?" he grins, "Gonna have some drinks?"

"Uh," he trails, tilting his head to get a look of Harry whose thumb is frozen across the screen. His eyes are moving, though, from side to side. "I-I don't know, Liam,"

"Oh, come on, Louis! It's been a while," Liam whines.

He tries to hide his frown but he can't. He wishes he could tell Liam so he could be aware of what is happening behind his back and in front of his eyes. He wishes he could explain it to him so Liam won't act too ruthless that makes him look like a dick. He just wishes he can. But Niall might know. The way he keeps glancing back between the two of them with a small crease between his brow just shows he knows something is up. Maybe Harry told him because he couldn't take it anymore? Maybe he did, and Louis won't blame him for that.

Harry shifts in his seat, clearing his throat then holds the phone with the both of his hands and starts to tap the screen. Louis' brows meet and he wants to know who he's texting at this time when Louis is just in front of him. Jealousy flows through his body and he shakes his head to make up his mind. Maybe it's Anne or Gemma. Or maybe his friend? No, Louis won't get jealous because there's nothing to be jealous of.

"Plus they said we have to do it whether we want it or not," Liam whispers against his ear, sighing afterwards.

"Okay," he answers absentmindedly and puts the whole apple inside his mouth.   
  
Harry abruptly gets up on his chair, a frown painted across his face. He keeps his eyes glued to his phone as he walks away, putting his dish in the sink and walk out of the room without a word.  _"Go drink all night. I won't care,"_  he whispers.

-

Harry is still on his phone, tweeting some fans and talking to Gemma at the same time, when Louis follows him to his room. He's sitting on the edge of the bed, face crumpled and jaw clenched. Louis emerges in the room, shutting the door with a loud bang.

Harry pretends he doesn't notice.

"Can we talk?" he asks, voice quivering. Harry keeps his head down, tapping his screen. Louis bites his lower lip so hard that it actually bled a little. He can't shut his mouth anymore. "Who are you texting?"

"No one," he answers, voice dead.

"Oh, really?"

Harry picks up the tone in his words. Harry's brows furrow as he clenches his phone harder.  _This is Louis_ , he reminds himself.  _He's your boyfriend who gets jealous easily because of his insecurities. You gotta understand, Harry._

"Really."

"Then why the heck are you ignoring me?" Louis' voice raises and Harry's head snaps up at him, gaping. And then Harry laughs dryly as he shakes his head. "You're on your phone since this morning. You were ignoring me..."

"Are you serious right now?" he looks deadly at Louis, smirk vanishing. "Don't act like nothing's wrong!"

"I just want t—"

"Don't ask me why I'm acting like this because you're the main reason why I'm ignoring you!" His hands clutches the sheet, fingers digging into the mattress. "Why am  _I_ ignoring you? Why don't you ask yourself, asshole?"

Louis gasps, "Harry, you're shutting me out! You always run away when shit happen—"

"And you don't? Who the hell always asks you what's wrong every night you're dead silent? Who always shut me out when I push it too hard just because I care? Who?!"  
  
"This is different!"

"Yes, Louis! This is different. You're going to be a fucking dad and the whole world will know you because you're stupid enough to get a woman pregnant!"

Louis flinches at his words. It actually stings but he keeps himself upright, "You always run away."

"That's because I feel suffocated!" His voice booms in the small space of room as he stands up. "I don't want to just fucking cry here just watching you destroy yourself!  _Us!_  It fucking hurts, Louis. You know how much! We've been through this for the past years yet you can't even do the right thing!" He pants, gritting his teeth, "You can't even fight for me, Louis."

Louis tries to answer but all the words are trapped down his throat. He looks at Harry helplessly but all he gets tired eyes. Always tired.  _Is he tired of me? Does he really wanna let go? Is he really done? No. Please, no._

"Why can't you fight for me? Am I not enough, Louis? Tell me.  _Please._ " His words becomes softer as his tears rushes down his face. "I waited for you to talk in that room. To say what you really want. I was waiting for your voice but you didn't say a word. It hurts to hear nothing but silence from you."

"I t-tried."

"Why do you always agree with them?" He begins to shake, voice rising again. "You always told me to stand up for myself. I did, Louis, and I still do! Why can't you? Don't you want to be happy? Don't you want us to be happy?"

"Of course I do, Haz," he answers weakly.

"Then why aren't you doing anything?!" He bursts into tears, putting his face on his hands. "I don't want to feel like shit anymore, Lou. Please, do something.  _Please._ "

Louis looks down at him as he sinks on the floor, hiding his face from him. Louis looks up, trying to get rid of his tears but they already escaped at the both corner of his eyes. His fingers twitches. His skin is itching to get down on his knees and embrace Harry. It's so itchy that he wants to punch someone because it's Harry. He shouldn't be thinking twice to touch him if he wanted to, but fuck, he can't.

"Please get out," Harry mumbles after a minute of sniffles in the silent room.

"Harry, don't do this," he pleads, stepping closer. Harry hugs himself tighter, hiding his face in between his legs making himself look smaller. "We have to talk."

"I'm sorry. Not today, please," he pleads, wiping his tears and looking up at Louis. His lips quivers again and his eyes starts to fill with tears when he sees Louis' beautiful eyes. He loves him so much it's ridiculous. "Please, Louis."

"Harry—"

_"Please.."_

And with another knife stabbed in his heart, he walks out of the room leaving Harry broken on the floor. 

-

Harry is sitting on a couch at the balcony of his hotel room—well, Louis' room. He slept in here last night because Louis slept at his, and he didn't wanna sleep next to him yet because he knows they're just going to fight if they were alone together. Better to be sure than to be sorry.

So right now, he's cocooned in pillows with his legs stretched out. A white, thin blanket covering the lower part of his body. His hair is tied up in a bun, creases visible on his forehead as he concentrates in the book he's reading.

He couldn't sleep. Well, he didn't sleep well last night either. He's used to have Louis' arms around him until he falls asleep. He misses the safeness he feels when Louis' breath tickles the back of his neck.

He misses him and it was just a night—well two nights tonight.

He shifts in his seat, flipping the page, when the sound of shutting the door makes him stop. He glances at his phone to check the time and it's almost three in the morning. He sighs and shrugs his shoulder, continuing to read the book on his lap.

 

 

If it wasn't for the door, Harry wouldn't even know that there is someone in the room. The lights are still off and there's a complete silence inside that a soft puff of breath can be heard.

Harry closes the sliding door behind him as he lets his eyes adjust to the darkness. He walks silently and it's quite scary not to see that there is someone inside the room. He clutches the book and walks towards the door. He's going back to his room since Louis decided he's going to sleep here.

No. Harry isn't running away. Maybe he's ignoring Louis but that don't mean he doesn't care anymore, that he doesn't want this to be fixed. He wants to, so bad. That's what he always asks for. He wants everything to be alright for the both of them but everything is mess. He wants to talk to him but every time his eyes stays for too long at Louis, he just realizes how gone he is for him. He always realizes how much he loves Louis and he can't help but to tear up because it's so  _fucking_ overwhelming. Too overwhelming that it hurts.

And because he has long legs, he fucking tripped over a shoe. He catches himself by pressing his hand on the wall and stepping his other leg to not to fall flat on his face.

That's when the sheet starts to shuffle.

"Harry?" Louis calls, wondering. " _Babe?_ "

Harry bites his lower lip and he turns around just to see Louis in the bed. The duvet covering his tiny body as he looks sadly at the space next to him.

 _He didn't see me,_ Harry thinks.

Suddenly, Louis bolts up the bed and clamps his mouth. He rushes to the bathroom, almost tripping. He opens the door too fast that it hits the wall with a loud bang. The next thing he heard is Louis emptying his stomach.

He sits down on the chair not too far away from the bed. He fiddles with the pages of the book as he waits for Louis to come out of the bathroom. He wishes he could hold his hair and rub his back just to make him feel better but his mind is pulling him back telling him to stay seated and just... wait.

After a few minutes of fiddling, Louis comes out of the bathroom with new pair of boxers and new white shirt. His hair is quite wet and messy on his head. He walks with his head down, shoulders slouched and limp limbs at his sides when he catches a feet on the floor. His eyes widens as his eyes travels, showing Harry sitting on the chair and looking at him with the same wide eyes but not shocked as he does.

"Harry?" he blinks, voice rough from the vomiting. 

He isn't hallucinating, is he? He's not drunk and he knows Harry is really here because of the warmth starting to spread through his bones. He's always been the type who gets cold easily and always in need of cuddles. Harry is always there to share some heat whenever he needs one. And right now, a cuddle with him would be nice.

"How are you feeling?" Harry asks, too low that it's almost a whisper.

"Just.." he struggles to find the words, "not fine."

Harry chuckles lowly at that, scrunching his nose up. "Maybe you should sleep then. You've had a busy night, after all."

Louis can hear the bitterness in his words and he almost flinches but he's inching closer to him, longing to touch. Harry did notice and keeps his legs together, pinching nervously at his lower lip, and then he stands up.

"I'm going to prepare some aspirin so tomorrow you won't cry because of your head."

He looks up at him, looking at Harry with pleading eyes. Harry is looking anywhere but him and it hurts them both. Louis takes a deep breath, throwing all the fuck he gives before touching Harry's hand gently, index finger first before enveloping it with his little hand. He hears Harry's sharp intake of breath as he cradles it to his chest.

"Can we talk?"

"Louis," he sighs shakily, squeezing Louis' index finger. "You're drunk."

"I'm not," he protests weakly. "Harry, I know I'm not."

"Just sleep, Louis."

With that, Harry takes back his hand and walks out of the room once again. He feels stupid to do the same thing over and over again. This just shows how weak he is. But he can't do anything.

He can't.

-

When Louis creeps into Harry's room with his pyjamas on, he's barefooted. The first thing he finds is Harry. He's facing away from the door again but this time, there is no other light in the room. Just the faint moonlight reflecting to the curtains by the balcony.

He can't take it anymore. He won't let other day pass without touching Harry. He misses him even though they were almost together the whole day. It's different because, yes, Harry is there but he's also so far away that Louis is afraid to touch him.

He sinks on the space next to Harry and stares at his back for a moment, whispering a silent  _pleas_ e before putting his arms around Harry. He lets his nose nuzzles Harry's hair as he tangles their legs. His eyes stings as he feels himself automatically relaxes at the touch. He pecks at Harry's nape and tightens his arms around him.

"Are you asleep?" he asks, lips ghosting on Harry's skin. Harry didn't move. "I hope you don't mind me here. I just—I couldn't stand another day without holding you."

He closes his eyes and lets himself breathe next to Harry. The feeling of Harry breathing next to him is enough to make him smile, knowing he's there. He's there and Louis is holding him.  _Christ_.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so fucked up. I know I am, Haz," he starts, swallowing. "Sometimes I wonder why you're still with me. I wonder when will you get tired of me because of all these bullshits. But you know—It hurts to think you're leaving me." He scoots closer to him, feeling his eyes burn as he closes it. "I love you so much and I'm so afraid that my biggest fear will come one day. I don't wanna lose you. I can't even go a day without looking at you. I'm going crazy thinking I can't touch you. I'm  _so_  sorry, baby." He pants, shutting his eyes to stop the tears threatening to flow out of his eyes. 

He doesn't wanna wake Harry so he keeps on swallowing his cries down his throat although his eyes can't fucking hold his tears anymore. He just holds Harry as he tries to stop the tears already slipping out of his eyes, mumbling apologies and pouring his heart out although Harry is asleep and will probably kick him out as soon as he wakes up with Louis arms draped over him.

"You know that I always want to solve problems on my own. I don't want to drag you with me— but—as you said, you're always involved. I thought about what you said and I thought—I was really scared because I thought you don't want to be with me anymore," his voice breaks as a whimper comes out of his lips. He bites his lower lip, calming his shoulders. "Because as long as you're with me... you're going to be hurt. I don't want that but—but,  _Harr_ y. I'm so fucking selfish when it comes to you."

His delicate hands found Harry's. He slips his fingers in his and clasps Harry's hand.

"I don't want you to leave me. You're the only reason why I'm still trying. I don't know what to do without you." He loses it. He tilts his head to bury his face in the pillow and let his sobs out. His shoulders shake as well as his body but he tries to keep it down.

After a few minutes of crying, the pillow is now wet and there's a snot running down his nose. He removes his arms around Harry and wipes his face. He takes a deep breath before sitting up. He looks down at the sleeping form of Harry next to him. He runs his fingers through his curls and a small smile graces on his lips.

"We're so close to the end. Please... just hold on for a little longer."

As he smiles and ducks down, a tear flow down his face to Harry's forehead. He wipes it with his thumb and presses his lips on Harry's temple for a long time, closing his eyes and letting the smell of Harry's hair dominates his nostrils. And then he pulls away.

"I love you, Harry."

His eyes starts to fill with tears again as he throws the duvet off him. He wishes he could spend the night here but he knows Harry is still mad at him and he truly understands. He just can't stop thinking about the insane  _what ifs_ in his brain.

_What if for the next few days he'll be starting to sleep alone because Harry decided he doesn't want Louis anymore?_

He sighs and pinches his arm, scooting away to get to the edge of the bed. He wishes that tomorrow they will be able to talk and figure everything out. Fights like this happened before. Big fights that always caused their throats to be sore then struggle to sing the next day in front of thousand people. But they always figure everything out. They will figure this out.

When he turns his back on Harry to get out of the bed, a warm hand wraps around his small wrist gently pulling him back. He gasps at the sudden touch and his head quickly snaps that it almost hurt his neck, but there is Harry. Tears are rushing down his face, eyes are glassy and filled with tears, lips swollen and slightly pouting.

Louis laughs quietly, pushing Harry's curls out of his face but then he freezes. He realizes they're fighting and fighting means no touch. What is he going to say to Harry why he's sitting next to him? Was he awake since Louis entered the room?

"Did you—"

"I wasn't asleep. I couldn't," Harry answers, voice shaking. "Not without you."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

Harry shakes his head lightly, tracing patterns on Louis' skin, "I didn't know what to say."

Louis swallows, letting his eyes locked with Harry's gaze. He misses this staring contest. He misses looking at Harry and admiring every single thing about him. He misses Harry even it was just a day.

"I'm sorry," Louis mutters, hands twitching.

Harry smiles softly at him and tugs him gently again. Louis obliges and scoots closer until he's sitting next to Harry. Harry continues to tug him down until he's completely laying on the bed. Harry moves and places his head just above Louis' heart and tangles their legs, throwing the duvet over his shoulder. He wraps his arms around Louis small frame as he closes his eyes and sighs.

" _Stay,_ " he whispers. He lets the silence eat them as he listens to Louis heartbeat before he clutches on Louis' shirt like he's his lifeline, "Then we talk."


End file.
